Weird day. I went to church today and then bible study afterward. It was actually really scary for me to share with the group the hardest thing that I have ever done. As each person shared their personal story, my heart begin pounding in my chest to the point where my ears were ringing. I didn’t want to have to admit to everyone that the hardest thing I have done was leave an abusive relationship. The past makes me feel weak and ashamed. Ashamed that I allowed it to happen without stopping it for over a year. All of these emotions just overwhelmed me. I wasn’t comfortable sharing something so personal, but I wanted and needed to be honest. Honesty is the only way real change can occur. Well, honesty and fellowship and how can you have true fellowship without being honest about your failures, fears and past experiences. Not only was my heart pounding, but I started shaking. All of this just because I was scared to share my story? After I was finished, I continued to shake. Once the shaking stopped, I couldn’t breathe deeply. When I tried I would get a sharp pain in my chest. I just felt drained. I didn’t even know what I felt. I felt heavy and sorrowful. It had been a good experience. My group was able to let down our guards a little bit more than we had before, but instead of being thankful and joyous, I felt depressed.

I am consumed by guilt and I need to take control of my life again. Everyday I am growing stronger and I am truly blessed to experience these trials because ultimately it brings me closer to God. This all led to a big decision I had to make tonight. I feel okay about it though. I feel that the Lord not only guided me, but is guiding me and that is enough comfort and peace for me. I hope all goes well tomorrow and everything turns out okay.